Num Num
by Ozuchi-Kozuchi
Summary: When Allen and company are lost in a tropical forest, things take a turn for the weird...and tasty.


A/N: Hello all you peoples out there! I wrote this fic a while ago for the Kumoricon fanfic contest, so I didn't want to put it up until judging was over. It won the Humor category (yays!). I hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I don't own -man

Allen Walker was not quite sure how it had transpired, but he and his group were lost in a forest. And not just any forest -no, it just _had _to be a tropical one. His group for this particular mission included the ever sulking Kanda, the ever hyper Lavi, and finally, the ever present Link. Oh, and Timcampy of course; because no mission was complete with out his fluttery friend. As the day grew on, he found that tempers were running higher than usual, likely due to a mixture of the heat, humidity, and that the forest was actively trying to kill them.

Wandering through an unknown tropical rainforest is, contrary to popular belief, not very fun. Especially when you have a long-haired samurai in your party who local fauna found moderately tasty. Kanda had spent the majority of the day being attacked by not only a myriad of bugs, but also a squirrel, much to Allen's amusement. They wandered in circles, the grumble of Allen's stomach and Timcampy's wings beating the only sound as the sun beat overhead the exhausted and irritated men.

As the sun set and the forest grew dark, the travelers chose to walk closer together rather than be separated by the trees and shrubs; this meant that most of the time they were now walking in a line rather than fanned out. Things had been calming down, and thankfully cooling down by this point to allow a normal amount of grumbling from Kanda, and the sound of Lavi's chipper voice rambling on as he led the line. Link, as per usual, ended the train and was silent.

Allen was thinking longingly of getting back home and to Jerry's kitchen, and was therefore caught off guard when Kanda stopped in front of him. Luckily for Allen and his hair, he managed to avoid running into Kanda and instead bumped into Link, who gave him a glare rather than a close shave.

"What's wrong Lavi?" Allen called quietly, unable to make out what was in front of his red-haired friend. "Step in quicksand again?" _That_ had not been a fun half an hour trying to get the panicking boy out of the ground.

"Um, guys?" Lavi replied uncertainly. "I think we went the wrong way…" Allen moved forward to see what the hold up was, and nearly speared his nose on …well, a spear. Allen tried to step back, but couldn't as a something sharp -he assumed it to be yet another spear- poked his back. He focused instead on the spear pointed at his face, or rather the man holding said pointy object. The man looked to be middle aged, his face and body cleverly painted to match the surrounding trees, his clothes plain and sparse.

He barked out something in a language Allen didn't recognize. The other spear wielding man grabbed Allen roughly by the elbows and yanked his arms back. The white-haired Exorcist yelped and stumbled back, feeling something gooey slink down his arm. He turned his neck around with a crick to see a form of green slime covering his arms. He tried to pull his arms apart, only to find them snap back into place like rubber; with a sense of panic, he tried to activate his Innocence, only to find that it too wouldn't work.

The sounds of small scuffles around him suggested that the others were also getting the green goo treatment. The spearmen started walking them forward towards what Allen could only make out as a lightening in the dense darkness of the forest.

"What'd we do?" mumbled a voice to his left. Allen looked to see a furious Kanda being marched next to him, with a bruise darkening on his face.

"Walked in their forest?" suggested Lavi behind them.

Kanda tried to turn back to glare at him but couldn't on account of the spears and all, so he instead loudly grumbled "Stupid Rabbit" and marched on.

After a few minutes of walking in almost complete silence as their captors occasionally barked orders to each other, they finally stumbled into an open space, lit by fire. Allen winced as the bright light hit his eyes; as they adjusted, he was astounded to see a village laid out in front of him.

"Was there…was there supposed to be a village here?" Allen asked uncertainly.

"Hmm, I dunno, let me check my map," Lavi replied sarcastically. "Oh wait, my arms are covered in _slime_."

"I thought Bean Sprout lost the map!" Kanda shot back.

"It's Allen!" The two started shouting at each other, with Lavi trying in vain to stop them (Link had the sense not to argue in a life-or-death situation).

"Silence!" came a shout. All four heads turned to the speaker, a man with an incredibly feathery head-dress.

"Wait, you speak English?" asked Link. The man looked at them confused before turning to a spindly man at his side who told him something in the strange language.

Lavi seemed to perk up, saying something in the same tongue. The man with the hat, who Allen assumed was the leader, turned his attention to and started a conversation with Lavi.

They went back in forth, seeming to argue for a good ten minutes. Kanda grew bored and started looking around the village, probably figuring his odds for breaking loose and killing them all, Allen imagined. Allen himself was getting a serious crick in his neck from trying to watch Lavi and the headman behind him. He silently wished he was in Link's place, as said blond man watched with rapt attention.

Allen got his wish as his guards/captors turned him around to face the man and Lavi, who'd stop talking. Lavi was a slightly pale shade of green. "Well," he started. "It seems we've entered ground sacred to their tribe. We are to be," he paused, trying to think of a word to use, "_given _to the forest?" he finished uneasily.

His comrades looked at him in disbelief. "Given as in killed?" Kanda asked. Lavi nodded solemnly. Kanda rounded on Allen. "This is all your fault Bean Sprout!" he spat.

"What?" Allen screeched incredulously. "How is it my fault?"

"If you in all your Bean Sprout stupidity hadn't lost the map, we wouldn't even be here," Kanda snarled.

The headman stuck out a hand suddenly, and rattled something off to Lavi. The red-head's expression turned to interest. They quickly conversed more. Allen wished he knew the language -having Lavi as your only translation was very disconcerting. His expression as he finished the conversation was even more disconcerting to the point of Allen feeling the urge to run, screaming into the hills. But as he was bound with green sticky stuff and surrounded by angry people with sharp objects pointed at him, he thought better of it.

"I have made a compromise," Lavi declared. "We get to go free."

Allen sighed in relief, watching as the forest people walked around to his comrades and sprinkled some kind of dust on the green stuff, dissolving it. His relief was short lived however, when they stopped sprinkling with him still bound. "Um, Lavi," he croaked as they began pushing him closer to the center fire, "Can you tell them to let me go?"

Lavi shook his head looking remorseful. "No can do buddy. They're letting us go in exchange for you."

"What?" squawked Allen. "You _traded _me?" He looked frantically at Link. "You're gonna stop this right?"

"It's not part of my job." He shrugged.

Allen blanched as he was dragged ever closer to the fire, which was appearing to be different colors. "You guys can't just let them take me prisoner!"

"Actually, you're not a prisoner," replied Lavi with a apologetic smile as he rubbed the back of his head nervously. "You're dinner."

Allen turned positively green. "Dinner," he repeated in a stony tone. He looked back to the fire that he'd been stopped by. Silently, he watched as a gigantic pot was brought out to it and set on a spit placed over the fire; some water splashed out, causing the fire to sizzle.

Allen turned suddenly and started running full blast towards the forest. The people who were planning to eat him grabbed him by the arms and carried him back to the fire as he still tried to run in midair. "Lavi you stupid -!" what would probably have been a break in gentleman protocol was cut short as he was unceremoniously dropped into the pot.

Chocking on water, he resurfaced to find Lavi holding out his hands defensively. "Sorry man, but it's really Yuu's fault. If he hadn't called you Bean Sprout…"

"They think I'm a bean sprout?" Allen cried out incredulously. "Tell them I'm not! Lavi, TELL THEM I'M NOT!" he shouted.

"No can do." Lavi shrugged before pulling his hammer out and flying away with Link and Kanda in tow.

Allen stared at the spot they'd been with a sort of confused horror. Then simply horror as people came up and started chopping vegetables into his pot. "Noooo!" he cried, "I'm not a bean sprout! I'm a person!"

He watched with utmost terror as the surrounding people started to chant. As it wasn't in a language he new, Allen ignored it until he could actually make out the words; disbelief struck him like a ton of bricks marked with debt.

"Num Num, Num Num~" chanted the people. They continued on as they put various seasonings into the pot.

"You've gotta be kidding me," Allen deadpanned. Instead of giving up, he tried in vain to free himself of his bonds. _If I get outta here, I'm gluing Lavi to the ceiling with this stuff, _he thought venomously.

The flames looked oddly purple now, but Allen wasn't too concerned with that; what really concerned him was the giant lid people were carrying out, presumably to go on the giant pot. Faces blurred together into a laughing mass, chanting "Num Num, Num Num!" with a growing tempo.

Allen gave one last scream as the lid closed over him…and bolted upright in bed with a cry of "Noo!"

Link looked up at him bewildered, his glasses slipping down his nose as his pen dropped onto the paperwork he'd been filling out. "Walker?"

Allen looked around, confused, and jumped about a foot in the air as the door flew open with a bang. Lavi stood grinning in the doorway "Good morning Bean Sprout~!" he called in a singsong voice.

Allen screamed out "Don't eat me!", jumped up, and ran screaming out of the room past a stunned Lavi.

With a sigh, Link slowly stood up and followed the trail Allen had taken. As he passed Lavi to fetch his charge, he muttered "No more chocolate before bed."

A/N: Hope you liked it. Sorry if there's an error anywhere, I had about 4 versions floating around and my lovely BETA Kuraun Kuraun's version did not like my word program. Anyone go to K-con by the way?


End file.
